


this is not what i had planned

by OohYayChicken



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Crack, M/M, crack is meant to be weird, eh, heh gotta love spooky, hmm, i cringed many times as i wrote, im not sure how to tag this honestly, like a wise bean once said:, maybe i will try again later who knows, really bad man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-20 00:26:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10651209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OohYayChicken/pseuds/OohYayChicken
Summary: tyler gets a flattering message from someone on tumblr, and it changes e v e r y t h i n g !!<>i found this from like november 2015 omg so i decided to finish it





	this is not what i had planned

**Author's Note:**

  * For [myspookyjoshdunchristmas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/myspookyjoshdunchristmas/gifts).



> pls dont roast i too hard for i am fragile

Tyler slams his bedroom door shut behind him, ignoring Jenna’s obnoxious shouting as he locks the door in case she tries to get in.  He doesn’t even know what the fuck her problem is right now—he just got home from school, and as soon as Jenna saw him come in, she started shouting at him about God knows what.  He doesn’t really care what bullshit that bitch has to say to him; he’s had a long ass day and doesn’t have the energy to argue back and forth with her.

So, he turns his music up a little louder as he sits at his computer desk, immediately logging onto Tumblr.  Tyler raises his eyebrows when he notices that there’s something in his inbox; no one’s ever asked him a question or sent him fan mail or anything before.  Has he finally been noticed?  The idea excites him and clicks on the little envelope, seeing that it’s fan mail.

_ so i just wanted to drop in and say that your blog is rad and that you’re super hot o.o  _

_ — stillstreet _

Tyler bites his lip awkwardly as his face heats up.  Him?  _ Super hot? _  Since  _ when?? _

Fuck, he’s glad he uploaded those selfies now.  He wasn't so sure before. 

Tyler hits the reply button, giggling a little to himself as he’s typing out a quick message.

_ omg wow, thanks dude!  _

_ — oohyaychicken _

Tyler hits the send button, grinning wide as his ego skyrockets and his troubles from earlier until this point seem to dissipate.  

He rises from his seat and marches out of his room, his confidence fuelling him as he heads to where Jenna’s still shouting.  

<>

“Rip,” Tyler says to himself as he sits on his front porch step.  His girlfriend just temporarily kicked him out—

_ of his own goddamn house!  _

This is  _ his  _ momma’s house!  Tyler can't believe he actually let this bitch kick him out of his own home—she doesn't even live here!

What the fuck is going on here?!

So Tyler jumps up from where he's seated, fueled by anger now as he bangs his fist on the door, “Little pig, little pig, let me come in!”

“Not by the hair on my chiny chin chin!” Jenna screams back, and Tyler's fist clenches. 

“Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your dad’s dick!”

So Tyler storms away from his own home, flushed and trembling in anger. 

<>

“If you don't get yer ass away from my property I'll shove my foot so far up in it you'll be tasting the shit that just came out yer mouth!” Jenna’s dad threatens Tyler after his proposition, finalizing their conversation by slamming the door in Tyler's face. 

That was probably the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to him.  It's his fault, though, because most dads don't want their daughters’ boyfriends sucking their dicks—I mean, come the fuck on, what made him think that was a great idea anyways?

This is why he and Jenna are always arguing. 

He turns, but before he starts to walk away, he hears his phone go off in his pocket. 

It's Tumblr—stillstreet just messaged him. 

Tyler lets out a small but embarrassing squeal as he swipes the message. 

_ stillstreet: hey lol _

_ oohyaychicken: lmao hey _

_ stillstreet: whats up? _

_   oohyaychicken: standing at my girlfriends door. wbu? _

_   stillstreet: you have a girlfriend? _

_   oohyaychicken: ye but shes been a bitch lately imo  _

_   oohyaychicken: prolly gonna break up with her tbh _

_   stillstreet: idk what shes like so i cant say anything  _

_   oohyaychicken: you right _

“I thought I told you to get yer ass away from my property!” an angry voice suddenly booms from behind Tyler, scaring the shit out of him. 

What’s even scarier, though, is the foot that connects with his ass at high velocity, sending the smaller man up and across the fucking yard. 

Tyler lands on the sidewalk with a pained cry, rubbing his abused booty pitifully.  Fuck Jenna Black and her bitch ass dad, honestly, they can both choke. 

<><><>

“Spare some change?” Tyler croaks out from where he's sitting in a box by a corner, lifting a tin can to a pedestrian as they walk by.  The man stops and looks down at him. 

“Yeh, I’ll give you some change,” the man says before hawking and spitting into Tyler’s tin can, “It's phlegm instead of coins. Enjoy that change.”

Tyler looks into the can sadly, “I didn't mean  _ a _ change, I wanted  _ some  _ change.”

“Sounds like a personal problem, you poor fuck,” the man states harshly before moving on.  Tyler sighs and sets the can to the side, propping his elbows onto his knees and holding his jaw in his hands. 

Nah nah nah, what the  _ fuck  _ is Tyler doing here??  No way in God’s hell is he gonna let Jenna keep him out of a house that doesn't even belong to her!

Tyler jumps onto his feet, emitting an angry shout as he kicks the disgusting tin can across the street before marching home. 

<>

“Jenna Black, if you don't let me into my own fucking house, we’re breaking up forever!” Tyler screams, banging his fist on his front door with all his might. 

“That's not necessary, you're overreacting!” Jenna cries out as she swings the front door open, and Tyler can't believe that's all it took. 

What a pathetic bitch. 

“Am I?” Tyler sneers as he finally enters his own home, only to push Jenna through the door in return, slamming the door after her and locking it. 

“Tyler, what the fuck?!” Jenna shouts, jiggling the doorknob futilely. 

“Psyched yo mind, bitch, we breakin’ up!” Tyler mocks the girl from the other side of the door. 

“You need me, Tyler!”

“I think not; someone else has shown interest, and if you and I didn't break up, you'd just end up being the side hoe.”

“That's so terrible!” Jenna shouts, and Tyler doesn't respond as he just simply walks away.

Plopping himself comfortably onto his bed, Tyler whips out his phone and opens his conversation with stillstreet. 

_ oohyaychicken: just broke up with her lmao _

Much to the brunette’s delight, the other user replies immediately. 

_ stillstreet: welcome back to the single life _

_   oohyaychicken: nah i hate being single rip _

_   stillstreet: me too. we should date so we dont have to be single anymore  _

Uhh… Tyler may have told Jenna that someone had shown interest in him and was gonna go out with said person, and sure, he himself is also showing interest in the other, but… who  _ is  _ the other?

_   oohyaychicken: no offense but ive already made too many dumb decisions today  _

_   stillstreet: fuck this is so embarrassing o.o _

_   stillstreet: what do you even mean by that? _

_   oohyaychicken: i mean i dont know anything about you. we dont even know each others names _

_   stillstreet: yours is on your profile dude… yours is tyler and mines josh. as a matter of fact my name is on my profile too _

_  oohyaychicken: o i didnt look yet sorry  _

_   oohyaychicken: lets just get to know each other a bit first and see how we feel yeah? _

_   stillstreet: ...thats fair i guess _

<><><>

A few months go by, and things are going swell for the most part.  Tyler and Josh had learned a lot about each other and eventually exchanged numbers, becoming closer and closer each day they talked. 

So when Josh next attempted to ask the brunette to be his, he earned an agreeing response, and life is great. 

But Tyler felt a bit off about their relationship, and boi I’ll tell you why.  Though the younger man has sent Josh plenty of photos of himself, he’s never got one in return.  Whenever he’d ask, Josh would merely send him a photo of something memey, like a potato, or a trash can, or an actual meme.  He's even sent him a picture of President Obama along with a “lmao,” but Tyler was never even slightly amused. 

But Josh was amazing, so he let it slide.  

<><><>

“—I mean, what the fuck was he thinking??” Tyler's professor whines from where she's perched up on her desk, distressed as she bitches about her sexlife to her class instead of giving a lecture—one that actually relates to what they're actually supposed to be going over, “I’m never able to be truly satisfied during sex because Brendon always has to say something stupid during! Like that time when he was eating me out he stopped to say ‘this is my swamp’ and couldn't even finish because he was too busy laughing!”

The class can barely contain their laughter, which only seems to upset the woman even more. 

“It's not funny!” she cries out, slamming her hand on her desk, “You're in college, but you're as immature as Brendon!”

Tyler feels his phone vibrate in his pocket with an incoming message, and he stops paying attention to his professor's bitching to message Josh instead. 

_ josh: i need wank material and fast before m dick explodes _

“Wow!” Tyler says aloud, flushing red when his outburst earns eyes in his direction. 

“See? Joseph gets me!” the woman up front gestures towards him before continuing, and attention is back in her. 

_ tyler: dude have you never heard of porn? _

_   josh: dude have you never heard of sending your mans nudes? _

_   tyler: im in class _

_   josh: bathroooom _

_   tyler: im not sending nudes  _

_   josh: uggggh why noooot _

_   tyler: noot noot _

_   josh: seriously tyler pls _

_   tyler: i still dont even know what you look like so no _

_   josh: gosh if i send you a picture of me will you send me nudes? _

_   tyler: hmmmm only if youre cute _

_   josh: awesome lemme find my best picture  _

Tyler only has to wait a short moment before Josh sends in a picture. 

Stunned, the brunette gathers his things and heads off to the bathroom. 

<><><>

Many more months go by, and Tyler is  _ alive.  _

He's counting down the days—currently five—to his and Josh’ anniversary. 

Their _one_ _year_ anniversary. 

They’ve been together for almost an entire year, and he's just so…

Your author hasn’t had a relationship that even lasted a month, she has no idea what Tyler is feeling right now.  He must be feeling fucking awesome though, wouldn't you agree?

But whatever, you guys don't care about the author, so Tyler knows a great way to celebrate their one year anniversary. 

_ tyler: you know what we should do for our anniversary? _

_   josh: whats on your mind? _

_   tyler: we should meet in person. i mean its been an entire year and we have only seen each other through pictures _

_   tyler: and im sexually unsatisfied and need you to raw my ass okay _

_   josh: woww cant turn down an offer like that o.o buuuut youll be surprised _

_   tyler: ahh i hope in a good way lmao _

_ <><><> _

The brown haired man spent the next few days making sure he and his house looked presentable for when Josh showed up.  What about his mom?  She happened to die a few months ago so she won't be a problem don't worry. 

Now Tyler sits all prettied up and anxious in his living room, waiting for his mans to arrive, which should be happening any minute now. 

He flinches when his phone goes off next to him, screen illuminating to display a text message.

_ josh: im right outside… hope you can handle this bby _

And as if to prove it, the doorbell rings, and Tyler can't hold back the squeal of excitement as he dashes to the front door. 

He throws the door open and halts everything. 

“I know you're surprised, I'm sorry for this,” Barack Obama starts, “I've been catfishing the fuck out of you. The pictures I’ve been sending you is my friend's son. But I truly do love you, and I hope you’ll still let me raw your ass—presidential style.”

Tyler spontaneously combust right there on the spot, and Obama watches in horror as his beautiful American flag burns to ash on the carpet floor. 

“Bald eagles will never fly again…” Obama whispers as he looks off into the distance, a lonesome tear slipping free. 

“ _ Change has come… _ ”

Obama breaks down before what used to be his lover, completely unaware of the watcher in a tree peering into the window. 

“It's all ogre now,” Shrek says before sliding down the tree trunk, only to let out an exasperated sigh when he comes face to face with Donkey. 

“Why are you following me??”

“I'll tell you why,” Donkey starts, “ _ ‘Cause I'm all alone! There's no one here beside me! My problems have all gone! There's no one to deride me! But you gotta have faith!—” _

“Stop! Singing!” Shrek shouts, “It’s no wonder you don't have any friends!”

But instead of the usual script, Donkey’s face drains of all emotion, and the tension is very unpleasant—Shrek could suffocate in how thick it is. 

“You know what, Shrek?” Donkey starts lowly, “I'm tired of your bitch ass always giving me shit.”

Donkey begins trembling from how angry he's becoming, face contorting to the point where he's completely unrecognizable. 

“Woah, Donkey, just calm down—” 

“Shut your ass up, you heinous son of a fuck,” Donkey spits, “You've once said how ogres were much worse than giants… Donkey’s gonna prove you wrong.”

Donkey then begins to grow in size, and the ogre can only watch in horror as Donkey grows to be larger than what anyone could ever imagine a living thing to be. 

“Donkey…”

“ **No waffles for you** ,” Donkey’s monstrous voice can be heard booming throughout the universe before emitting an earsplitting _HEEEE-HAAAAW_ as he stomps his hellish feet.  Worldwide natural disasters are the aftermath—earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, mutated spiders, _everyone's_ worst nightmares—and the entire Milky Way ceases to exist, bringing surrounding galaxies with it. 

Two aliens far far away use their awesome alien powers to observe safely from a distance, gawking incredulously. 

"╹☆՞ਊ 彡∇∀ʕʔ༄ತ" the first alien says (translates to "holy shit").   
  
"ᐛಠヾ๑٩و" the other agrees (translates to "true").

**Author's Note:**

> you know what i deserve it roast i at full blast dont hold back


End file.
